Procrastinator’s Power-UP!

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Tuesdays 5:30-6:30 • Ongoing group, limit 8
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Also, see this posting at PTguide – City Guide to Port Townsend, Washington

What does Being your Word mean? It means doing what you say you will do when you say you will do it. Does it mean doing what you say you will do with your co-workers or employees. And then breaking promises left and right with your family? NO! Does it mean keeping your agreements with your family and colleagues and then failing to do those things you secretly tell yourself you ought to do? NO! It means doing what you say you will do when you say you will do it. All we have is our word.

In the book the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz the first agreement is, “Be impeccable with your word. Say only what you mean. Avoid using your word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.”  Ruiz goes on to explain that your word is your power to create.

Indeed, an agreement is a structure for fulfillment. Take the building (I assume) in which you find yourself, for example. Before it could come into being, someone had to draw up the plans. They had to make the plans clear enough for the builder and workers to be able to follow it. What would happen if every other week the plans changed. OK, the foundation has been laid but now we want this room to be half this size. Then next week the plan is changed again and the room has been eliminated from the plans altogether. That would be a very messed up building! Very expensive to complete as well.

The same sort of thing happened for me when I said I wanted more clients. A few years back I would visit my local Chamber of Commerce periodically. I wanted to grow a successful business. But I was changing my niche every month or two. One month it would be entrepreneurs. One month it would be relationships, the next month I was an ADHD coach…. Indeed (laugh).  I never kept one agreement with myself about who I was long enough to let it succeed! And I confused the heck out of my prospects.

Now, I’ve gotten pretty consistent. I have *committed* to focusing on helping people transform procrastination into productivity. It is on all my marketing materials and I now repeat it at my Chamber of Commerce and to whomever will listen as much as I can get away with. And my business is growing! People know how to talk to others about me and what I do. Not only “being my word” but holding a consistent commitment to it, has made all the difference. How might your life be better if you were more impeccable with your word? Share in the comments section below.

I have spent much time and energy trying to figure out how to work with myself instead of against myself to achieve my goals and intentions. Getting stuff done is not just about completing projects and paying your bills and making sure to take a shower before people start to talk behind your back. In my mind, getting stuff done means expressing your valuableness into the world and being of service to people in a way that is meaningful to you. When we play a smaller game in order to stay comfortable or avoid fear, it not only impacts our experience of ourselves as trustworthy authorities in our own lives but it really amounts to withholding our gifts from others upon whom we could be making a positive impact.

What positive impact would you like to make more of in your life?

What one thing can you do right now to move forward? Write it down! And do it. And please do tell me about it in the comment section below.

L-tryptophan erases your memory!

Yes, it’s true! I have anecdotal evidence in the form of my own personal experience. No, I haven’t conducted any carefully thought out research where all the extraneous and unrelated variables are controlled, counterbalanced, or eliminated. But who cares?! By today’s journalistic standards my rigor is adequate.

You may be asking yourself, “Who cares?” Let me tell you, a procrastinator does! Why? If you thought you procrastinated before Thanksgiving, just wait until your memory has been erased. You’ll be really happy for a couple of days because you’ll have forgotten everything that had been on your to-do list. But slowly, the realization will creep in that you have, say,  forgotten who you were to call and why. Following this realization will be the terror that lurking out there, somewhere, is a person expecting a call from you. <Cue the scary pulsing violin music.>

But you can relax now. Having been warned of this horrible chemical effect of L-tryptophan, you can be prepared by writing everything down as though some complete stranger were going to take over the job of being you after Thanksgiving. You know what? This new employee (me with my mind erased) is going to need some encouragement. I think I’ll put some kind words on that post-holiday to-do list.  After all, she is going to have a really tough job… being me.

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One of the greatest sources of anxiety for us procrastinators comes from beating ourselves up about all the stuff we feel we are procrastinating on. The problem is that we can only do one thing at a time. Consequently, when we are paying the bills, for instance, we are *not* making our phone calls, doing the shopping, working on our writing projects, finding a plumber, scheduling an appointment with our daughter’s teacher, taking steps on our true and deepest dreams, etc. And we have a tendency to beat ourselves up about slacking on all these things even as we are actually working on something productive.

Anxiety can become overwhelming and debilitating. Here is the way out. Let’s try putting our emPHAsis on what we *are* doing! I *am* writing in my blog. Sure, it should be pretty easy for me to feel good about doing this. But do you know, even as I write, I am thinking about the business cards in my purse from the Chamber of Commerce mixer last night that I have done anything about? But it does no good to beat myself up that I am not doing that right now. Even if all I can say is, “I am resting,” it still does no good for me to feel bad. The only sane choice is to either go do that other thing or feel OK about the thing I am doing.

If I treat myself like a disciplinarian, I will resist my own discipline. Call it internalized oppositional defiance.

Now, I could say, “I am resting and I choose to feel good about it”.  Or, “I am writing in my blog which is one of my most important goals.” Or even, “I am feeling anxious about all the things I am not doing and I am doing anxiety with the greatest skill.” Why not? We are always doing something. And there will always be a bunch of other really important things we are not doing.

Whatever you are doing right now consider it an accomplishment. Oh, you just read my blog post! Well, that *is* an accomplishment!

You know the day. You are sitting on the couch wondering what you should do with yourself. You can’t think of any one thing that holds enough sparkle to get you off the couch. So you sit and beat yourself up.

Procrastinators are masterful self-flagellators.

Here is a tip to save the LPD: When you are not feeling sloggy, come up with a default activity that feels like forward movement for those days when you can’t figure out what to do with yourself. This has two results. One, you will unstick yourself. The other, is that you won’t have the opportunity to go more deeply into depression from all that self-defacement.

My default activity is to read a book about how to promote my coaching business. I get to make an espresso, sit in my chair (my secret fortress of sanity), and do important research about my goal. I have worked with myself and not against myself. Call it ADHD. Call it depression. Some days I just can’t make myself stand up and deliver. But those days don’t have to be wasted anymore. I feel good about bettering myself with information.

What will your default activity be?

My procrastinators tips for you today, then, is to *know* that you will be disappointed frequently and that there may be incredible delays in achieving your goals. Many of them will be through no “fault” of your own.

It’s all part of having goals. It is natural and normal to come to obstacles. Do you know what it means when you hit and obstacle?

No. It doesn’t mean it’s time to stop “going for it”.

It means, and listen carefully here, that you hit an obstacle on the way to your goal. That’s all! Take a closer look. <Extreme zoom to microscopic scale.> You are on the way to your goal! You must have been moving to hit that obstacle, yes? Good!

So when you find obstacles in your way take comfort in knowing, A. they are normal, B. they don’t necessarily mean to stop (you do want to find the information in them), and C. they mean you were moving toward your goals! You just caught yourself *not* procrastinating! Congratulations!

What next? Sulk for a reasonable amount of time. Perhaps set a timer for 20 minutes (the average amount of time it takes for an upset to leave the system). Or better yet, feel bad and *still* do what needs to be done. Then you get the gold star!

Today, I get a gold star!

What happens is this: friend A, let’s call her Abby, comes to friends B, let’s call her Bertha, feeling sad. Abby tells Bertha that she is feeling really overwhelmed with all she has to do. She feel hopeless sometimes, like she can never be enough. Bertha loves Abby and cannot stand to see her upset. So, Bertha decides to show Abby how her feelings are wrong.

Bertha says, “But Abby, you have such a beautiful family and you are doing such a great job with everything. You should feel grateful for all you have.” How does Abby feel about this response? Abby does not feel listened to. She is probably feeling like she wished she’d kept her feelings to herself! She’ll never “unload” on Bertha again! And she’ll never build intimacy with Bertha, either. Abby may feel that she is being a burden and whiner and/or she may feel that her ability to assess her life is inaccurate and that she can’t trust her own feelings.

What is an alternative? Bertha can recognize that she doesn’t feel comfortable with her friend’s sadness and acknowledge that lovingly in herself. She may even share that with Abby. “Wow. It makes me sad to know you are sad.” If Bertha wants Abby to feel comfortable confiding in her, she may also add, “I am grateful that you feel comfortable sharing this with me.” If she really would prefer that Abby not share so deeply, she can share that, too. “You know, Abby, I am not really great with sad emotions. I tend to get checked out, myself.”

The most wonderful thing we can do with our loved ones’ emotions is simply acknowledge them without trying to fix or change them. This goes for our children’s emotions, as well. “Abby, I see that you are feeling really discouraged. I am here for you.” Now, how does Abby feel?

If Bertha wants to help, she can find out what help looks like to Abby. “Abby, is there anything I can do to help?” Chances are that just *hearing* Abby has been a huge help. Feelings are best shared with a loving and true friend. When we fight or resist our feelings they tend to go get a bunch of their buddies and come back to do battle. When we feel our uncomfortable feelings fully, they tend to dissipate, shape-shift, and lessen in intensity. Ironic, isn’t it!

I’ll start with the discernment piece. How do I know that this overwhelming need to slow down and “veg” is a need and not a procrastination reaction? (Yes, I believe procrastination can actually be reactivity, but I will have to consider this brand new thought at a later date!) My first clue was how my body took the lead. I felt tired like when I am starting to get sick and I had a slight sore throat. I could have just pushed through it all despite these minor symptoms, but I wanted to make sure I didn’t get sick. That helped me give myself permission to rest.

Another important factor that allowed me to determine that a day or two of rest was appropriate was that I had just completed several higher stress and fear-inducing activities including giving my first 3rd Thursday Free Workshop. (It went great!) If I were *about* to do something scary, I would have guessed that my tiredness was me trying to talk myself out of putting myself in an uncomfortable situation. Having just completed something scary, I was a lot less skeptical of my potential motives.

The third thing that freed me up to go with being a coach barnacle was that it just *felt* right on a deep level. That is, it actually felt aligned with my purpose to help others and my goals of creating a succcessful and sustainable coaching business. I needed literally to recharge my batteries. Face it, dealing with people takes a lot of energy. Doing with great attention, focus, and love takes even more! I needed a rest in order to be ready for new challenges.

And, having taken two restful days, I *am* ready. I am so grateful that I didn’t go into judgement with myself and beat myself up for being lazy. (I am sure a better opportunity for that will lurk behind a future door.) Also, I did not decide that I was getting depressed which is another interpretation I like to make. Then I end up feeling bad about being depressed which actually makes me depressed. This low energy period had been a lot shorter that ones that I have experienced in the past. I have been really very amazed at how enjoyable it is to listen to my body’s needs and respond as though I love and trust myself. Yes, sometimes I procrastinate, but this time I didn’t put off taking care of myself!

Historically, I would use this LPD lethargy day as a reason to beat myself up. Or I would let myself fall into a panicked depression. But not today! Why not? Well, because of you, dear reader. If I am having an LPD, that probably means that others are, too. Will those others be helped by my guilt? No! Will they be helped by my fear? No! Will they be helped by knowing they are not the only person who feels this way? Perhaps.

There is opportunity hiding behind every challenge. Faith in this notion is my deliverance. The opportunity I have found in my lethargy today is sharing it with you. Now I shall lay on the couch in peace knowing that I have used this couch holiday productively! Besides, guilt-free couch trips go faster. You don’t spend all that energy processing the guilt. In fact, I am going to set a timer. I get to “veg” for 35 minutes. This is going to be awesome!