Don’t talk me out of my feelings!

Yeah! This is one of my biggest pet-peeves of human interaction in our culture.

What happens is this: friend A, let’s call her Abby, comes to friends B, let’s call her Bertha, feeling sad. Abby tells Bertha that she is feeling really overwhelmed with all she has to do. She feel hopeless sometimes, like she can never be enough. Bertha loves Abby and cannot stand to see her upset. So, Bertha decides to show Abby how her feelings are wrong.

Bertha says, “But Abby, you have such a beautiful family and you are doing such a great job with everything. You should feel grateful for all you have.” How does Abby feel about this response? Abby does not feel listened to. She is probably feeling like she wished she’d kept her feelings to herself! She’ll never “unload” on Bertha again! And she’ll never build intimacy with Bertha, either. Abby may feel that she is being a burden and whiner and/or she may feel that her ability to assess her life is inaccurate and that she can’t trust her own feelings.

What is an alternative? Bertha can recognize that she doesn’t feel comfortable with her friend’s sadness and acknowledge that lovingly in herself. She may even share that with Abby. “Wow. It makes me sad to know you are sad.” If Bertha wants Abby to feel comfortable confiding in her, she may also add, “I am grateful that you feel comfortable sharing this with me.” If she really would prefer that Abby not share so deeply, she can share that, too. “You know, Abby, I am not really great with sad emotions. I tend to get checked out, myself.”

The most wonderful thing we can do with our loved ones’ emotions is simply acknowledge them without trying to fix or change them. This goes for our children’s emotions, as well. “Abby, I see that you are feeling really discouraged. I am here for you.” Now, how does Abby feel?

If Bertha wants to help, she can find out what help looks like to Abby. “Abby, is there anything I can do to help?” Chances are that just *hearing* Abby has been a huge help. Feelings are best shared with a loving and true friend. When we fight or resist our feelings they tend to go get a bunch of their buddies and come back to do battle. When we feel our uncomfortable feelings fully, they tend to dissipate, shape-shift, and lessen in intensity. Ironic, isn’t it!